(A German scientist, Dr. Herman Klatsch, after a visit to Warrnambool, Vic., formed the theory that Australia was the first home of the human race.)
A Teuton anthropologist -- you'll have to sneeze his name --
Discovered things at Warrnambool that made him glad he came;
For Warrnambool was once the home of neolithic man
When Nature fashioned things upon a slightly larger plan.
Australia was prominent in days before the Fall,
For it bore the early masters of this ancient mundane ball.
No doubt the chap whose hairiness comprised his only "duds"
Once throve at Warrnambool by growing prehistoric spuds.
No doubt he bought the market up -- formed corners, trusts and rings;
And, if we let our fancy play, no doubt - why, lots of things.
The prehistoric "Bushy Bill," with whiskers on his neck;
Came down to bust his bit of flint -- his neolithic cheque.
And then, no doubt, he "got 'em" -- not the modern snakes and frogs
But purple Loxolophodons and mammoth Goliwogs;
And on "The Block," in Collins Street, with tail of latest shape,
There strutted, in the days of old, the Anthropoidal Ape.
'Twas there he met his "little girl," and took her to the play.
With a wing of Dodo after, at the cafe of the day;
While the prehistoric punter had his day at Flemington,
And lost his bit of sandstone on his favorite Mastodon.
In Toorak lived Coryphodons, Dinocreas, and such --
The heavy aristocracy, who were respected much;
And the pushites of old Collingwood appeared in ancient docks
For pelting prehistoric "cops" with tertiary rocks.
Then the very early artists did their "little things" in stone,
Or executed etchings on a bit of mammoth bone;
And the critics who were hostile at the ancient private view,
With their little works of art the early artists promptly slew.
Within the caves in Spring Street dwelt a noisy, wrangling crowd,
Who used stone axes in debate, and argued long and loud.
In ancient "lingo," high above the din. "Yes No"! would shout
A stoutish man who led a dry Coryphodon about.
But tho' these ancient, hairy chaps were partial to a row,
And tho; they had their troubles in the early days, as now,
On the whole, the early public most contented must have been,
For we cannot trace one poet in "the early Eocene."
First published in The Gadfly, 14 February 1906