One Dull Man by C.J. Dennis

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Major Montague, an ex-secretary of Portland Club and one of the framers of the rules of Bridge, who is visiting Australia, declares that women are better Bridge players than men. Women, he says, are quick and alert, while men are often dull and lifeless.

Why did you play your spade in there? (said she).
I can't think why you don't take care (said she).
You fuss and fiddle with every card
As tho' you found the game too hard
   You hung on to your trumps until
   They caught you napping.  Really, Will,
You think and hesitate so long;
Then in the end you play it wrong.
   Why, you can't even call your hand.
   You men!  I cannot understand.
You are so stupid, dull and dense.
The game requires just common-sense.
   But Bridge for you holds little gain:
   Yet you're supposed to have a brain (said she).

Tired?  You?  I hope I am no cat (said she).
But I must say I do like that (said she).
What about me? You go to town,
And gossip there with Smith and Brown.
   And go to lunch and have a drink,
   Yet in the evening you can't think.
What about me?  Your life's the best.
Why should you crave for so much rest?
   Ask any doctor.  He will say
   A business man should always play.
You should play more.  You know you should.
A change of occupation's good.
   Yet, when I ask you to go out,
   You say you're tired and moon about.
What about me?  Do I complain?
Why, it's a wonder I keep sane
   With all the dull monotony
   That this existence holds for me.
You'll tell me that I'm lazy soon.
Why, I played all the afternoon! (said she).

Did you, my dear? I didn't know (said he).
Well, I suppose I must be slow (said he).
   Yes, slow and dull.  Again you're right -
   You always are . . .Heigh, ho! . . . Good night (said he).

First published in The Herald, 21 January 1931

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This page contains a single entry by Perry Middlemiss published on January 21, 2013 9:00 AM.

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