Works in the Herald 1934
EPISTLES TO AB - CONCERNING DRESS SUITS

Fourway Farm,
August 24, 1934.

Dear Ab.,

When your mother had you Christened Albert some 20 years ago, both her and me, judging by the few vage signs and indications then showing, had hopes that you might turn out bright. Albert, accordin to your mother, meaning somethin bright. But since you have gone to work in a town office, Ab., I can't say as your letters bears out that hope to any startling extent.

Your latest excuse for trying to prize a fiver off the old man still leaves him calm and collected. Even the prospeck of one day beholding my second son dolled up in a dress suit don't get me terrible excited. If you feel you must have a dress suit for dances an cetra you go ahead and save up for one. But you better give up any idear of me becoming an acessary before the fack to the tune of five valuable pounds. Do I make myself plain at last?

Be that as it may, I have lived for close up 60 years now, and I never yet found a dress suit needful for success in me chosen way of life. Maybe in the city things is diffrint, but that is entirely your pigin, my boy.

In spite of depression and droughts, I think your modest old man can claim he aint exackly made a failure of life even without a dress suit. Three times I been president of this Shire, and a councillor for close up 20 year. Durin that time I have met noomerus M.P.s and other brass hats, I have shook hands with three Governors and one Royal Prince of the blood. And narry a one of em, Ab, seemed to be much worried about me not owning a dress suit. No nor a top hat neither.

Even in the city, Ab my boy, you will find that the right sort of solid respeck aint to be bought with fancy clobber.

Maybe I am growing boastful with age. But altho I know people in this districk treats me pretty familier, calling me old Jim-Jim and old Jimmy Two-times-twice, still I can't help notising when a depitashun is to go to town on some serious public question, old Jimmy Two-times-twice nearly always heads the voting. Think it over, my boy.

Be that as it may, we have received the photer you sent of the bald face young woman you call your girl friend what has probably awoke the need of dress suit. Your mother is good bit worried, Ab. Me, I aint worrying, for I notice the said young woman, altho plucked and painted extry and above the ordinry, had a pritty shrewd and calcalating eye. I wouldent hang no hopes on that eye if I was you. Nor no imitation pearls or rabbit coats eether. Also, if them lips what looks so black in the photer is that red in reel life, I would say she is going to cost a tidy bit for renovations, repainting and generil repairs as time drifts by.

Your brother Joe, on the other hand, seems to like her looks and wishes to inquire can she milk. Joe would also like you to send that (1) pare of working boots c.o.d. immedgit.

Well, Ab, I aint give up hoping one day to be able to write you a reel inthusiastick letter saying well done, my boy. What's your idears about it?

So, suspending my verdick I still remain for the time,

Your aff. father,
JAS. JAMES

P.S. - Love from all at home. Your ma is also writing, but don't go ixpecting any note in her letter this time. I have shook it and put it back in the old teapot. Sorry. - J.J.

"Den"
Herald, 25 August 1934, p6

Copyright © Perry Middlemiss 2003