Works in the Herald 1934

Dear Uncle, (writes my small friend, Bobby J. in preface to one of what seems to be becoming his perfectly scandalous synopses of Shakespearean dramas) I have been thinking pretty seriously that very likely it might be a pretty good idea if I was to get that wireless et pretty soon that you have promised me for these bits about Shakespeare. I know I didn't ought to have to lissen in on a silly old set like I got now, when it goes squark squark just as they are giving Mr Bradman's score so you don't hear hardly anything important. If you had to put up with that you wouldn't like it would you Uncle. Well I have to and I dont either. So please Uncle I'm only a littel boy and -

My father says I musent write like that to you so I wont. But if you understand already it can't help it can I.

Well this is another story about Kings and throwns and I call this one

By Bobby J. and Mr Shakespeare.

Well this Mr Lear was once called King Lear because how he was the reel King over all ancient Britin and he had a family of three daughters but he retired from the King business so that's how he became jist plane Mr Lear.

Well two of the three daughters was married pretty well and one was Mrs Gonril Albany and the other was Mrs O'Regan but the other daughter Cordeelia was just a bit of an overgrown kid like my big sister only nicer and she had a couple of boy friends calling round to see her at night and one was the duke of Sparkling Burgundy and the other was the King of France.

Well when Mr Lear felt he was getting a bit old he said to his daughters now look here you girls I'm a bit fed up of this king stuff and I think I'd rather play bowls and take a bit of my pot off so what I'm going to do is divide up my bit of a Kingdom amongst you according to how much you say you love me so come on and strut your stuff.

Well the married daughters were a couple of pretty crook smoodgers and they laid it on awfully think and they told papa he was reel sugar daddy and they loved him lots and lots better than cigarettes or cocktails or anything.

So this pleased the silly old King and he said alright I'll give you one third each now what about you Cordeelia?

But Cordeelia said well I hope I'm no gold digger but I love you because I am your daughter and that's what I ought to do. But Mr Lear said that's a pretty weak sort of a yarn and it's not worth any kingdom at all so I'll just whack your bit up among your sisters.

But Cordeelia said that oh well, have it your way. I've got my two boy friends.

But when the two came that night Sparkling Burgundy said look here what I reely was after was a bit of a bonus along with you because I want some capital to start up a garridge up at the corner. But if you got nothing but It there's nothing doing. You can count me out.

But the King of France said well I suppose you had better come over to France and marry me now. So Cordeelia done that and they got on pretty well.

Well you can easily imagine what happened to old Mr Lear after the two crook daughters got their hands on his money. First he tried living with Mrs Albany and then with Mrs O'Regan but one was worse than the other. They kept picking at him and nagging and telling him he ought to get the old age pension and not to smoke his dirty old pipe in the house and to eat his meals in the kitchen when they had visitors.

So old Mr Lear said oh well its easy to see I'm not wanted round here so I spose I better go out and be a swagman. So he went out into the paddocks and got a habit of talking to the wind. And a friend of his named Mr Kent who had shaved off his mustash and pretended to be a butler went out and buttled for old Mr Lear while he was mooning about the country. But things got worse and worse and Mr Kent thought praps the best thing to do was to ask Cordeelia to bring an army over from France because her old man had got himself into a pretty bad mess. So Cordeelia brought the army but never did much good with it.

Then Mrs O'Regan put some stricknin in Mrs Albany's tea out of jelesy and when the detectifs came she poisoned herself. So then Cordeelia said of well it seems to be a famly habit and she poisoned herself too. And then Mr Lears artrys got a bit too hard and he snuffed it but it does not tell what became of Mr Kent but very likely he retired and took up goldfish which are less exciting. So then there was hardly anybody left but Mr Albany so he just went and got on the thrown which must have been pretty dusty by now.

And the moral is that parents should not trust their daughters too much and when they try to boss their little brothers the parents should tell them off properly which is a thing that is very seldom done nearly often enough.

Bobby J.
Orther and Writer.

Herald, 28 May 1934, p6

Copyright © Perry Middlemiss 2003