Works in the Bulletin 1914

Yet another Censure debate is in progress in the Federal House of Representatives, while a score of important National questions await settlement. - Daily Paper

Ar! dicken to orl of this torkin!
   The 'arf o' w'ich ain't understud.
(Said Peto, the pug, with a leer and a shrug) -
   I cud make better men outer mud!
This 'ere Parlerment game is the limit;
   Not one of 'em's fit fer 'is grip -
Pertendin' they're fightin' be 'owlin' an' skitin' -
   It gives me the blitherin' pip!

I ain't no perlitical stoodint; I leaves them affairs to the 'eads; But a whisper I 'ears, an' the game, it appears, Is aa crook as the bikes or the peds. Ther's a bloke at the barber's, 'e tells me Them members is orl uv 'em crooks. I gits the straight griffen tbey're runnin' a stiff-un, An 'orl in the 'ands uv the books.
They sends 'em up there, so I'm 'earin', To toil fer the good er the crowd ; Fer to run on the square orl sergarney an' fair, An the rools uv the game 'as allowed. They starts from the jump to run schlenter; They've fluted an' chiacked an' chinned: An' never does nuffin' but gassin' an' guffin', Ixce' when they're sparrin' fer wind.
Jist listen to me fer a second: I've 'it on a bonzerin' lurk. If these 'ere two clicks loafs around an' does nix, Jist only pertendi' to work; W'y, give 'em the blitherin' bullet, An' let the 'ole crowd uv 'em drop. Wif ther 'owlin' an' skitin' - an', if yeh want fightin', You give me an' Micko the cop.
Now, Micko's a bird wif 'is maulers; 'E's 'ot - an' I'm tellin' the troof. We're a match. me an' 'im, an' we'll put up a scrim As 'ull pack a 'ouse full to the roof. Turn Parlerment inter a sta'jum, Shut down on their silly ole yap - W'ich is no sorter use - an' jist let us cut loose, We'll put up a beautiful scrap!
I'm torkin' erconomy, mind yer, Me dart is the savin' uv gilt. I'm told these 'ere chaps 'angs around an' jist yaps W'ile millyuns uv revenoo's spilt. They're costin' the country a forchin - Gits paid fer the things they don't do. But Micko an' me we will give the show free If yeh ehuck in a bit when we're through.
I'm arstin' yeh. Where is the differ? Wot game is them Member blokes at? They mix it an' rouse on the floor uv the 'Ouse - Well? Micko an' me kin do that! The gate 'ull work out at a profit Wif orl uv Our exes allowed; Yeh'll be savin' yer dough; it'll he a fair go, An' a damsite more fun fer the crowd!
Ole Micko's no good at debatin', But strooth! yeh should see 'is left 'ook! 'E'll be Oppersition; I'll take the persition At presen' 'eld down be Joe Cook. You gimme the tip an' I'll word 'im. This sorter thing orter appeal: You'll git as much lor; an' a damsite less jor; An' the country 'ull save on the deal.

The Bulletin, 30 April 1914, p30

Copyright © Perry Middlemiss 2002