Works in the Bulletin 1913

Electors may confidently accept the statement of Liberal leaders, that existing Acts of Parliament will be continued, and there will be no interference with the administration of matters of policy that have received popular sanction. - Melbourne AGE.

MISTER EDITOR: I'm craving of your space a slice, or shaving -
   (And it's very precious space, I've always found) -
While I gravely call attention to affairs, which, I may mention,
   Are of interest to electors boothward bound.
For I've made a great discov'ry, and, without undue delay,
I must hasten to disclose to your readers right away.

I'm an anti-Labor voter and an earnest Fusion-doter - (Here I pause awhile to let your readers know That this statement, or assumption - call it if you like, presumption - Is not true. But you will find my name below.) I have ever cast my vote for Private Enterprise and Fat. (That's also false. But what's the odds? We'll let it go it that.)
For the sake of this discussion - and I say it without blushin' - I'm a "Liberal" of very deepest dye. But a fact that set me snorting was that they whom I'm supporting To disclose their policy were over-shy. And, although I sat at meetings with a most attentive ear, On the promise of performance they were never very clear.
'Twas in vain I scanned each paper, from the TORRIDTORY TAPER To the MEGAPHONE and DAILY DILLYGRAPH; But no hint or dim suggestion could I find upon this question, And I loathed to hear the horrid Labor laugh. For the mocking laugh of Labor is as bitter gall to me; But yet I couldn't find a trace of our Great Policee.
Still I serach, but ever vainly, till I showed my nager plainly, And I ground my most expensive set of teeth; An, in bitter indignation, used the epithet "Damnation!" (Wicked word. But my full name is underneath.) Till unwittingly I stumbled, but a day or two ago, On the sacred Fusion policy; and now, thank God, I know!
And I'm felling quite elated; for I find it plainly stated That we'll have a change from Labor's fuss and din. And I note with satisfaction that a masterly inaction Is to be our policy - if we get in. I hope we do! (Though you may not beleive it, I admit, For I'm bound to sign these verses since the issue of the writ.)
And they will not touch a measure passed by Labor. Nay, they'll treasure Ev'ry Bill which formerly they sought to blast; Such as Fisher's Baby Bonus, which but recently they've shown us Was a scheme that only madmen would have passed. Yes, they'll leave upon the statute book each dreadful Labor Bill, Ev'ry nation-wrecking measure that they lately sought to kill.
And I fain would shout Eureka! for I've been at pains to seek a Plain solution to this clever party dodge. Now, the current Labor scoff is that if Fusion wins to Office It will straight replace those Acts with ancient stodge. But, by vowing to retain them, we shall doubtless gain support From the lukewarm Labor voters of the hesitating sort.
Now, I vow that move was cunning; and I think we're in the running, For I've carefully inspected ev'ry roll; And those vacillating voters will arrive in Fusion motors In their tens and tens of thousands at the poll. And their vote will be quite solid for the party led by Joe. As regards the Referenda, they will certainly vote "No."
So I'm feeling quite elated - as I previously have stated - (Or, at least, I would be if I wasn't me. Which is execrable grammar; but it makes me halt and stammer To reveal, perforce, my true identitee. And, in case you wrongly think I live in Rusher or Saloniker, I give below my full address, likewise my name or moniker.)

"C. J. Dennis, the Lower Bullock Track, Toolangi, Victoria. Rail to Yarra Glen, then 14 miles, per Charlie Bath's coach, up the mountain by a road that would drive the 11,000 virgins of Cologne to anger and make meek Moses swear."
The Bulletin, 29 May 1913, p30

Copyright © Perry Middlemiss 2003