Works in the Bulletin 1913
Liberals are not bothering about the fiscal question, if it can be called a question - or proclaiming a fiscal faith,
for the very sufficient reason that the tariff is not present in issue. - Melbourne ARGUS.
"Haw! Good fellow I'm not doubting
Your intentions are all right,
And your general appearance
Is intelligent and bright;
But the question you're discussing
Rather flicks me on the raw,
And it really doesn't matter;
So we'll close the subject. HAw!"
Since the every first reformer
Made suggestions in the trees
All the old earth's agitators
Meet with phrases such as these.
And it acts as brake and hobble
On the progress of mankind,
This superior aloofness
Of the static type of mind.
"Haw!" It rings throughout the ages
Since dim neolithic years,
Striving to discount the credit
Of philosophers and seers;
And the richest, fattest molluse
Spat it out in savage hate
When he marked his fellow's yearning
Towards a structure vertebrate.
"My good chap, enthusiasm's
Right enough just now and then;
But your pose is idiotic
In the sight of sober men.
Calm yourself, my worthy fellow,
Stay that wildly wagging jaw.
The-ah mattah you're debating
Isn't on the tapis. Haw!"
Spoken in a haughty fashion,
With an apathetic glance,
Then that simple interjection
Clothes a mass of ignorance.
"Haw! The fellow is a boundah!
Do not heed his fuss and fret,
And the subject he alludes to
Isn't mentioned in our set."
Friend, if you have privileges
Fairly come by - more or less -
And the claims of poorer brothers
Cause you most acute distress -
When all argument has failed oyu
'Gainst their Socialistic law
Cultivate the distant manner
And the haughty Tory "Haw!"
Cultivate the cool aloofness
When they seek with howlings rude
To assault your proud position.
Cultivate the platitude:
And, when they bring forth suggestions
Of a democratic type;
Tell then, friend, it is "un-British,"
And, "the time is not yet ripe."
When with calm, unswerving reason,
And with logic merciless,
They convince your better nature
That abuses need redress,
Do not weakly yield to measures
That your prejudices hate.
But remark, "It's not at issue,"
And that closes the debate.
Still, my friend, despite your coldness,
'Spite reactionary, "Haws."
These reformers somehow get there
When they have a worthy cause,
And the fat and foolish molluse
Who the vertebrates ignored,
Did not block all evolution,
So the scientists record.
As the world goes bravely onward
Leaving molluses far behind,
Progress ever has to reckon
With the static type of mind.
And the fighters in the vanguard
Recognise this simple law,
"Social evolution mainly
Is the overthrow of 'Haw!'"
The Bulletin, 6 March 1913, p9